I’d take a reasonable guess that many people living in a solo way haven’t always done so and have experienced a variety of relationship and martial states and will do so in the future. The really important thing for me is to know that being solo is always a state I can return confidently and happily to, understanding that the breakdown of a relationship is only the end of the relationship, not the end of me. Having this self-soothing mechanism to tap into when needed is singularly the most important discovery, because it means I don’t fear heartbreak, betrayal, rejection, narcissistic and abusive behaviours, because I do not fear being outside of a relationship. Kind of going from a relationship to elationship.
This post, like a few of my others feels a little defensive in nature because of the strength of feeling I have about being misunderstood, and because of the volume of either innocent, ignorant or vexatious misunderstanding there is out there.
Myth 1: bitterness and hurty feelings
I am not solo because I’ve had a range of ‘bad experiences’, or that I’ve put a proverbial wall up. I haven’t tolerated any poor behaviours for too long and bear no ill will to anyone I’ve been in a relationship with. I enjoy and value the company of both sexes
Myth 2: Being solo = lonely
I read a post on social media recently. It was someone reflecting on a column about women choosing to stay single and childless. I didn’t read the article but the comment was about how women had been brainwashed by the feminist movement and that those choosing this path would regret their decision, becoming lonely, barren and bitter.
I felt a strong reaction to the post because it was, firstly written by someone I thought was quite a brave figure and had reasonable respect for, secondly because this was so at odds with my own experience of being single, and thirdly because being solo actually transcends feminism or political ideology and this person didn’t know enough about the topic to make such wild statements.
Essentially being part of a relationship and/or having kids for most people is a biological, intrinsic need for men and women, and no amount of ‘woke’ persuasion is likely to change someone’s mind not to go ahead and fulfil that need, even if those relationships, somewhat inevitably, turn out to be fairly transitory in nature.
I’m not lonely, and tend only to get near that emotion when being emerged in too much company for too long, when the increasing call for peace and alone-time starts to ring loudly. I live a purposeful and more importantly a highly enjoyable life with many freedoms, and feel grateful to myself for it. I am not single to punish or purposely withdraw services. I have had many relationships and continue some of them casually when desirable, and may have more meaningful connections in the future, but the solo element will remain my go-to. The best state is not to rule anything out and to be completely self-aware.
Myth 3: attractive people do not choose to be alone
I’m not making the case for my own physical attractiveness here, but there is a regular stream of usually older people who made comments about my solo living.
A former landlord’s wife called by (to put the rent up) and told me that a pretty girl like me shouldn’t be on my own. I assume she thought she was softening the blow of the rent increase and maybe thought an extra income might be helpful, which would be a fair point were it not for the way she conducted her own life. Married for money I guess, and to a bit of an unattractive bore. She screamed of fear of being alone, and fear of running out of a steady stream of cash.
Clearly her choices worked for her, but she failed to understand this is not positive role modelling behaviour for women. Refusing to line the pockets of the small-minded, I defiantly moved out a few weeks later to a better and more expensive flat.
A plumber more recently asked me what I was doing living on my own, as I was ‘really beautiful’. I couldn’t really be bothered to answer, having had similar experiences in the past. And I’m never really ready with a neat one liner to shut down these comments because of the seemingly complimentary way the opinions are delivered. He lived on his own, wasn’t attractive, so I didn’t return the enquiry.
I smiled at one of the neighbours in a local shop. He was about 20 years older than me. During my next visit, I was presented by the shop keeper (another lady of a certain age keen to hook me up with someone, hell, anyone) with a rose and a cheap bottle of plonk, together with, you guessed it, his phone number. I was advised he had done quite well for himself, probably information to shadow the obvious gap in age and my overall reluctance to get involved with someone I didn’t find attractive, just so I wouldn’t be alone and the shop keeper could giver herself a pat on the back. And what was this episode really all about, why did it happen? Because it is simply such a waste for any man if an attractive woman decides not to have a partner.
Key reflection points for me here are that many of the ill-judged contributions originate from those who have been married at least once and perhaps could have been expected to learn from that. Is anyone under 40 making ridiculous statements or trying to connect me romantically with unsuitable individuals? No, never. Thank goodness for the newer generations.
So anyway, attractive people are expected to have a partner, but why? It’s the old the assumption that were it not for some underlying factor that everyone else is trying to get to the bottom of, we would all choose to have a partner. This is simply not true.
The reason I am solo is because:
I don’t like sharing anything, whether that’s my food to my living space;
I don’t like not having absolute control of my own finances;
I do not like to compromise;
I don’t like having to spend my time doing things I am not interested in or with people who aren’t interesting
I don’t want my own children.
So really reader, my perceived levels of attractiveness, or otherwise are utterly redundant with regard to my solo status.
And let’s just consider here the implications for those of us who aren’t always perceived to be ‘attractive’. Do attractive people visit the homes of unattractive single people and say
‘yeah, I can see why you’re alone, don’t bother hoping that someone will come along’. Attractiveness seems to be a permission base for others to judge and say what they like, and this is only exacerbated when someone is simultaneously solo.
Attractiveness, coupled with solo living attracts attention that can be difficult to unpick and react to. It’s one of the reasons this blog exists, to offload, and to help people prepare for the nonsense they have to experience if they are not in a relationship.
Be ready for the inappropriate comments and enquiries!
Like my post on holidaying solo, it’s useful to have some pre-prepared lines ready when someone decides to make an uninvited comment, even if it’s delivered laden with a back-handed compliment.
Consider applying some of the following:
-my relationship status is a private matter and I am not going to talk to you about it
-it’s interesting you say that. It’s not how I feel at all.
-I’m sure you have a lovely life, and so do I - I’m happy with things they way they are
-things have never been better for me, I wouldn’t change a thing, only the way other people perceive my life choices.
-thanks for saying I’m attractive but it has nothing to do with my relationship status and I don’t feel what you’ve said is appropriate. I’m not really interesting in talking about this further.
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